Just Keeping it Real

My days are filled with pain. I have not so good days and really bad days. I have to remind myself that it's only been two weeks. There are just days that hurt more than others. I know healing is taking place. Some days I'm brave and forge ahead and others. . . . . . well, crappy cancer kicks my butt on those days.

I want to get dressed but these drains are in the way and cumbersome. I want to sleep on my side but these drains are in the way and wake me up every time I move. Showers are difficult with these drains in the way. Are you seeing a pattern here?

I'm forbidden from driving yet or doing anything physical. Rest is prescribed. Right. Whatever! Stupid dumb crappy cancer has not only invaded my body but also every aspect of my life. My life is irrevocably changed for ever, because it will always be niggling at the back part of my brain. . . . . . . like the little devil that sits on my shoulder taunting me. Crappy cancer has forced me to face my mortality. It makes life more uncertain than ever before. This disease lays bare my vulnerability. I'm not in charge and I hate feeling vulnerable.

I've been so stoic and upbeat for the most part, I think. I know a positive attitude is important for my health. If you are newly diagnosed with breast cancer, listen up! Be real. Be honest.

Yes, it's important to have a positive attitude but don't force what you don't feel. People will make you feel like you have to put on a smiling face. It's not about them. Don't feel pressured to be strong for everybody else.

I get all kinds of sage advice from people who have never walked in these cancer shoes. "Be patient" they say. "It'll get better." "Don't rush it" is another popular answer. "This will all be a distant memory." I know they mean well and love me. At least they are saying something to be encouraging!!!! I have friends who don't know what to say so they say nothing and are noticeably absent.

Cancer isn't contagious but it seems people are so scared of this dreaded disease that they stay away. People are busy living their lives and don't want to be reminded that cancer exists. I get it! I was that person prior to September 9th. Crappy cancer happens to other people.

I'm different. I'm no longer the same person prior to my diagnosis. I will one day be pain free and discover a "new" me. Blogging has given me an outlet to be honest with myself and meet this crappy cancer head on. I realize that it's not for everybody. We all face our demons differently. If I've helped just one woman with my honesty, then baring my soul would've been worth it. I'm looking forward to getting past this pain to reclaiming my life.