In the AFTER

There are so many things that your cancer team doesn't tell you. Not before, because their attitude is to just blindly trust them (and if you know me, I have to be in control so I studied and knew ALL the details before) but especially in the AFTER. Crappy cancer changes you, as you might expect, but once I recovered from whacking off my boobs (once referred to as an amputation) there's still some crappy things to deal with. There's physical and emotional demands that we are left to handle on our own.

There are bigger things that sometimes never fall into place, like talking to people who haven't had cancer about what it's like, (because they don't get it) and discussing facing the possibility of death, which not even your family members want to talk about. People just carry on as if I didn't have cancer and all is right in the world. This was a hurt that continues to this day because friends were lost.

I had to find my new normal, not really knowing how to do that. The one thing I do know is that I now have a sense of precious urgency, a feeling that life is fleeting and should be treasured and enjoyed, yet a strong and burning feeling that I need to explore it more. There are things I've dreamed of doing that feels more crucial than ever before. It feels like time is flying by and I have a limited amount left to enjoy and do the things I want to do, and that scares me.

Life is not the same because I realize how fragile it is. There's the fear of crappy cancer coming back which continually haunts me. I don't think about it as much as I used to in the beginning of the AFTER but it does sneak up on me sometimes. Especially when the internal itching that can't be scratched, or the stinging sensation of bee stings from the nerves trying to regenerate themselves. More especially when I'm waiting for the blood tests to come back every 6 months. I do a fairly good job of not allowing it to rule my life as I acknowledge it and choose to love the tiny moments that matter in my life now.

My life will forever be defined in terms of before crappy cancer and AFTER crappy cancer.

My Choice

I'm still having to defend my choice to go flat.

I've included an interesting article here about how a woman reclaimed her body. I hope you will read it and understand that there are many different ways that women choose to handle this crappy cancer diagnosis. https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/11/02/663162657/she-chose-to-go-flat-and-wants-other-breast-cancer-survivors-to-know-they-can-to

For me, it was the freedom from another surgery; the freedom of not having to ever wear a bra again. It was getting rid of the fear of putting foreign objects into my body after removing crappy cancer. Oh sure, I could have chose to use my own stomach fat (of which I have plenty), but I didn't even like that idea of a very painful procedure, doubled over for 2-3 weeks, long recovery period. . . . . and for what? To make others more comfortable looking at me? It just wasn't something I ever even considered.

All the doctors kept telling me I could change my mind. I'm 61 sister!!! I don't need boobs anymore.  Deal with it. My choice.

By writing this blog, I've always purged my thoughts. Some have been eloquent, and others have been downright embarrassing. But, it's how I've healed. It's how I've dealt with crappy cancer. It's been therapeutic to me. My hope and prayer is that any other woman dealing with this crappy disease will find encouragement and inspiration to make an informed choice that's best for her and not let anybody talk her into something more or different. It's your body, sister! Do what makes YOU feel good about it, even if it means going flat.

Cancer Cure Breakthrough?

It’s estimated that nearly 40% of us will be diagnosed with crappy cancer in our lifetimes and, until very recently, we’ve had three basic options for dealing with that news. We’ve had surgery for at least 3,000 years. We added radiation therapy in 1896. Then in 1946, chemical warfare research led to the use of a mustard gas derivative (yes, you read that right) to poison the person, err . . . . .I mean the cancer cells, with chemotherapy. More recently, we also started poisoning crappy cancer through drugs that attempt to starve tumors of nutrients or blood supply.

Those traditional “cut, burn and poison” techniques are effective in less than half of cases. It’s a laudable medical accomplishment that also leaves behind the other half of cancer patients. According to the World Health Organizations international agency for research on cancer, that translates to 9,055,027 deaths worldwide in 2018 alone!!!

Recently, the Nobel Prize was awarded for two breakthrough scientific discoveries heralded as having “revolutionized cancer treatment”, and “fundamentally changed the way we view how cancer can be managed”. One of them went to a charismatic, harmonica-playing Texan named Jim Allison for his breakthrough advances in cancer immunotherapy. His discovery had resulted in transformative outcomes for cancer patients and a radical new direction for cancer research.

Crappy cancer is a HUGE money maker for the health care industry. How is it possible that cures have been discovered for polio, and many other diseases, but not cancer? One reason, I'm told, is because it's not just ONE disease. There are many different types of cancers. I had crappy breast cancer, but there's not just one breast cancer....there are many. I won't go into them all here, because if you are anything like me, you don't care unless you get it. THEN, and only then, will you educate yourself on the types, classes, stages, etc.

I pray that there is a cure in my lifetime, but my hope is in heaven and crappy cancer was not successful in killing me, so I'm blessed.  I remain hopefully skeptical in a cancer cure breakthrough.

Freaked out Flat

I never wear foobs. (That's fake boobs for you lay people) The purse I carry is a small cross body that holds my lipstick, phone, credit cards and (sometimes) cash. I'm sure it accentuates my flatness.

I don't pay any attention to other people looking at me, and I think for the most part, nobody notices. However, my brother recently pointed out two women that were staring at me with jaws dropped and eyes bugged out!

I had to laugh. It's been two years and my mind isn't constantly thinking about crappy cancer as much as it used to. . . . . . which was most of the time. But as women, they should know why my chest is flat. They should at least have some idea, wouldn't you think? I refuse to wear prosthesis to make others comfortable. My choice. The end.

Tribute to Life

I'm loving my life right now! Being a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant allows me to set my own schedule (no more 60 hour work weeks) and live the life I love! I have such a strong sisterhood in these women who were there for me during my cancer journey.

Recently, we attended Mary Kay Seminar in downtown Dallas, Texas. Our hotel was the Sheraton downtown. This beautiful park was right across from our hotel, and it was so amazing to see this among the tall statuesque buildings, concrete and mass transportation. It was serene and heart warming. Myself and another MK sister spent some time walking through here and discussing our journey through crappy cancer.

 

Myself and my Mary Kay sister, Maryann standing in front of the sign at the park...it was a true Tribute to Life!

 

What is Crappy Cancer?

 

 Knowledge is power. I researched so much when I was diagnosed, I knew the terminology, which went a long ways in helping me with my decision to go flat and forgo reconstruction. It also helped me in this journey to understand what was happening and how to heal my mind, body and spirit.

 

It's a big deal, pickle! You gotta make the commitment to fight crappy cancer no matter the stage or type. It's the first step...then commit to knowledge and education!

 

A positive outlook affects our health, even without crappy cancer in the body! ALWAYS check your mental welfare. Pray. Think positive thoughts!

  This was really cool! It was a visual of cancer in motion. Water constantly flowing and I could change the direction with my hand very easily. What a powerful visual!

 

These pictures do not do this sculpture justice! This was going into the sculpture....

 Coming through the sculpture.....

Coming out of the sculpture....

Sculpture explained. Another visual that was very powerful!

In summary....I hope you get a chance to see this powerful and moving park in downtown Dallas. I loved it. Crappy cancer changed me, but it hasn't defeated me. I live and hopefully inspire.

Friends

I've recently cleaned up my Facebook friends list, and I don't think I'm finished with that. It got me to thinking about friendships. Why am I "friends" with an acquaintance that I barely know? I'm not in some kind of contest to see how many friends I can have on my Facebook page, for crying out loud! Some of these people I can't even remember how I know them!

Crappy cancer makes you re-evaluate everything in your life. It all becomes important! The little things matter much more. How do I spend my time and who do I spend it with? I much prefer my family these days. I've had friends over the years that have come and gone out of my life. Some have been by choice, either mine or theirs, and others by life. My husband and I have moved 8 times in our 40 years of marriage. We have lost friends along the way due to that, and some of those we have kept because we didn't want to lose touch with them, and others we have reconnected with and picked up where we left off.

I've lost friends because I was not comfortable with their ethical choices or the way they lived their lives was too vastly different from mine. We've lost friends because of my husband's line of work. We have gained friends because of my husband's line of work.


Finally, people change. That is certainly the case with me. I have changed significantly over the last four years or so. I lost a great job due to the company going bankrupt. Somehow, even though I am highly experienced and worked in that career for over 17+ years, nobody would hire me. I had one HR rep tell me it was because I would want too much money and they thought I'd come with bad habits. . . . . . where they could hire a "fresh out of college" for little money and train them. I was depressed for a long time after that. Who wants a 60 year old? And now that the crappy cancer has reared it's ugly head, nobody wants a 60 year old sick woman. So, I struggle with my self worth almost daily. I've lost my reason for getting up every day.

My health has been greatly altered and I no longer have the same coping skills I did before. I don't have the patience or the physical ability to do the things I used to do. Nor can I cope with anyone else's emotional issues. I have plenty of my own these days. I suffer from pain every day. I have total fatigue and exhaustion. A myriad of other symptoms that upset me because I don't have the physical and emotional bandwidth I used to.  Every day is a struggle. I have good days and bad days. I am working on dealing with that.

Crappy cancer revealed who my true friends were. There were those that made time for me in their already busy lives to help me through this journey. There were some revealing surprises, let me tell you! But, I've accepted that I wasn't important enough for them and I've moved on.

I can count on one hand the people I know would be there for me if I needed them. As my life has changed my friends have changed. It can be sad but sometimes its necessary to lose friends.

I end this sad friend blog by saying and reaffirming what I have expressed multiple times: My husband has been my rock. I never would have made it through these past few years without his love, support and encouragement. I never knew unconditional love until I married him.

Reconstruction Decisions Are Personal

For many women, after the trauma of being diagnosed with crappy cancer, undergoing treatment and facing the reality of a mastectomy, the thought of even more surgery with so many possible risks is just too much to bear. It certainly was for me. The risk of complication after reconstruction following a double mastectomy can be as high as 40 percent. 39% of women face one or more unplanned operations. I just didn't want to deal with more surgery and recovery! My immediate thought process upon learning I had crappy cancer was "Get it out of my body." and then, "I don't want to put anything else foreign in there." I never even considered reconstruction.

I realize FLAT isn't for everyone. But it's a staggering 45% of women who do choose to forgo reconstruction. As women, I totally get it that we might be self-conscious because we’re missing the part that society says makes us a woman. But I just embraced my new body and continue living my life without the burdensome heavy weights on my chest that tried to kill me! God made them to feed my babies and they have served their purpose!

Some women I have spoken to regarding reconstruction, was encouraged by their husbands to have it done. This always astounds me that a man would weigh in on what a woman should do comfortably with her body. She is not only dealing with crappy cancer, but now she has to deal with a difficult way of satisfying her husband. My wonderful husband was my ROCK. . . . . very supportive and completely understanding that it was MY decision. He never encouraged or discouraged me either way.

The American Cancer Society does say that a cancer re-occurrence would make it more difficult to find with reconstruction. I simply urge everyone to educate themselves on the pros and cons. Ask yourself how strongly do you feel about the way you look in clothing, or without clothing? How strongly do you feel about the risk of complications, more surgery, more recovery and down time from life? Is being aesthetically pleasing important to you? Be sure about what matters to you most across a wide number of areas in your life.

Some women who choose to remain flat, also choose to wear prosthesis. NOT for me. I tried it and they are heavy, uncomfortable, and feel so fake and awkward to me. They shift to the side or drop uneven from the other side. Even the knitted knockers and lighter weight cotton ones feel scratchy and rub my chest wall, which still feels sensitive. Besides, I've gotten used to not wearing a bra and those pesky straps! It feels empowering and FREE to go without!

There’s power in choosing something rather than feeling like you don’t have a choice.

From Surviving to Thriving

Having no hormones wreaks havoc on my body. God designed women as a finely tuned instrument and the hormones that come from several organs in our body are there for specific purposes. Mine, however, are being stopped by the crappy cancer meds. But if I complain about them, then are my feelings not valid? Are they just a result of no hormones? Crappy cancer changed me. In lots of different ways. However, I have learned that living is a luxury and should never ever be taken for granted. I've learned to enjoy the little things in life. Yes, I have my moments, and those moments are so hard.

My experiences and my crappy cancer journey have made me the woman that I am. I am proud of the person I have become. But life as a cancer survivor is a roller coaster.

I thought I'd go back to normal, albeit flat chested, once the crappy cancer was removed. NOT! 
The unfortunate truth is that the side effects are far worse than the surgery. The surgery was a breeze! I have experienced neuropathy in my feet and hands. It is a weird and uncomfortable sensation. I have trouble holding things or opening a simple jar of pickles.

Then, of course, there are the joint pains. Some days are worse than others and it's primarily focused on my hips and lower back. But every. single. joint. HURTS. Lack of sleep is so normal....waking up several times a night, tossing and turning. I can't control my body temperature so I go from cold to HOT in a matter of seconds. 

And the fatigue. Oh em GEE! Some days it takes all my energy to put one foot in front of the other.
The fatigue just drains me and I have absolutely no energy for anything. I honestly think fatigue has been my biggest battle. And of course it is made worse by inadequate sleep. 

Brain fog is easily blamed on the crappy cancer meds and lack of hormones but I've learned to make notes and put reminders in my phone. And yet there are those embarrassing times when talking that I can't find a simple word!

Anxiety is something I've never experienced before, so it was foreign to me. The anxiety I’ve been feeling after crappy cancer is a feeling I’m not quite sure I know how to explain. I went from a strong, confident woman to someone who has simply lost her mojo. I began having panic attacks and crowds make me nervous, so I've skipped a lot of church.  Most of the time, I don’t even know why I am anxious except that I feel so sick to my stomach and panicky. It would hit me out of the blue for no apparent reason. I can be having a great time and all of a sudden my mood will change. HUGE mood swings! I would start feeling so depressed and sad, with knots in my stomach, and the need to hide. Other times, I know why I’m anxious. . . .  it is fear of the crappy cancer returning! I’m scared what tomorrow might bring. I’m scared of when it will come back and where. How much longer do I have to finish that bucket list?

The side affects are many and I could go on and on, but I'm alive. And I'm grateful. I'm rediscovering myself and rebuilding a relationship with my Lord and Savior. Most people think that I'm done and all is well. Little do they know. I'm never going to be "done". I'm taking the crappy cancer meds and living with the fear of re-occurrence daily. It's hard not to think about it with all the side effects I experience. But I think I'm getting to a place where I'm thriving. At least it's my goal and I'm trying to do more than just survive. 

I recognize that my battle with crappy cancer doesn’t end. It is a lifelong battle. Either I am dealing with side effects, emotional breakdowns, or fear. The fight never ends. Nevertheless, I will continue to thrive each and every day, good or bad days. Crappy cancer has taught me so much about myself and life. It's shown me who I can count on in the tough times. My perception has changed about how I approach life, and even though I struggle daily, I wouldn’t change a thing.