I'm knocking on the back door of 60. I don't love my body. I don't miss my boobs either but my buddha belly looks bigger without them. There's wrinkles, fat, and grey hairs. I have a LOT more grey hairs that I haven't decided to color/cover up yet. I earned every one of them!
There's a not so pretty 'pink' side to crappy cancer. It damages you, hurts you, takes from you, disfigures you. Crappy cancer trying to take my femininity, my confidence, my happiness and my hope. I struggle with them all.
My
choice to not have reconstruction was my own after much research. It is a very personal and
individual choice. I do not regret my choice at all but that doesn't
mean that it's been an easy adjustment to my self image physically or emotionally. I still get weird stares from time to time. I even had a stranger congratulate me on my pregnancy! (On the plus side, I must look young enough to even be pregnant!)
I've been spending some
time trying to find my "new normal" in the new me. I've
changed; my likes, my dislikes, my passions, my views, my heart. It irritates me when people tell me I've changed. Of course I have, DUH! I had CRAPPY CANCER!!!!
When
I was diagnosed and going through surgery and recovery, I was needing encouragement from friends. What I needed was positive attention, visits, calls, and caring friendship at the time. I didn't get it from those I needed to get it from. I'm still working on forgiving them. My family, especially my husband of almost 39 years, were the most attentive. He sees my struggles every day, while everyone else has moved on. Is breast cancer so rampant that it's become "not important enough" or is it simply that people don't know what to say or do? It was as though I was contagious or something. I
needed messages of caring, cards in the mail (do people not do this anymore?) hearing
that I was brave, loved and prayed for - especially when most days I
felt the farthest thing from strong and suffocated from fear.
Now that the surgery is over, it's like sneaking out a side entrance, closing the door and no one
follows. It's
the same as when a loved one dies and everyone is there to rally
around you, but the hard part comes when the funeral is over, time
passes and things go 'back to normal' and the quiet settles in. You
see, just because the surgery is over, I'm still healing. I'm taking treatments that have tremendous side affects that I hate. I struggle with them and waver if I want to continue them for 5 years or not. My struggle hasn't ended.
The side effects are very real.
1.
TIRED! The overwhelming, bone weary, fatigue is awful. Nothing helps this and there are days (most days) when I have to really push myself to get anything done. On the
outside, my body may start to look more normal, but on the inside it is
still working overtime on the cellular level to repair the damage. It's only been10 months and I'm still healing physically. (Emotionally. . . . . it's up and down) By noon I feel like I've run a
marathon and cannot hold my eyes open. I take 2 hour mid day naps, wake
up defeated because I'm still tired and I wasted the day. I feel like life is passing me by and I'm not participating. I hate to even leave my house. Fatigue
isn't the only physical side effect.
2. CURVY! I
am accepting my new body image. Overall, I don't miss my boobs. I don't like the way my clothes fit weird, but I don't miss that bra! My ribs stick out below my concave chest, and my stomach has 'caught' all the extra fat that my boobs used to catch. I can't see my feet! I don't look good naked anymore!
At least I've gotten to the place where I see the scars as a victory and not a loss. I've even come to a point in my recovery where I'm falling in love with my scars and debating on NOT getting the chest tattoo after all. I just know that making an emotional decision about that isn't best for me now.
2.
PTSD after cancer IS real! I live in constant fear of "when will it
come back?" Not working full time allows no more distractions and busy work to keep my thoughts from wondering to dark places. Where will it come back? How will I know, and will I catch it in time? What are my passions? What does God want me doing with my
time and how does He need me to use this experience? Am I doing too much
too soon? Moving too fast? Too slow?
I have anxiety that is so foreign to me. I have spoken in front of large groups as a leader, and led, groups in my "other life." But, I come close to a panic attack just sitting in church with a few hundred folks. I have to stare down at my Bible and block out the crowd, all while holding on to my husband to stay calm. Just the thought of being around a crowd of people scares me now. I have huge mood swings that come out of nowhere. They hit me like a hammer to the head and I can't explain what's wrong. NO hormones is wreaking havoc in my body. God put those various hormones in our organs for a reason, and the treatment I'm on is blocking them all. WHEW! There's no explaining the awful side affects of no hormones in my body.
3. HEALTH. . . . . Am
I eating right? No. I crave sweets constantly and give in to that craving more than I'd like. Cancer loves sugar. Will that cause the cancer to
come back? Am I doing enough to prevent it? Is this pain normal or has
'it' returned? Was that lump there before or is that cording from the surgery? I feel my chest so much, that I don't even realize I'm doing it. I want to know every inch of my chest to be able to find any change as soon as it appears. It's sensitive to the touch and numb in most places at the same time. Lack of hormones prevents good sleep. Which contributes to the fatigue. I should be exercising for my health, but every bone in my body hurts from lack of hormones. It's a never ending vicious cycle.
4. DOCTORS! The
on-going. . . . . Yes, there are still appointments, follow up, blood work, tests
etc. I'm sick of them already. I'm on my own now because everyone assumes I'm OK. Just sitting in the waiting room at the cancer center is
emotional. It's surreal! I had crappy cancer. My heart begins to beat fast just pulling into the parking lot. I do NOT want to be here!! I'm sick of taking my top off so doctors can feel my chest. I'm tired of the blood draws. I don't like their nonchalant attitude which makes me feel unimportant.
5. PAIN! . . . . Fibromyalgia (diagnosed 4 years ago,) comes with it's own set of physical problems, exasperated by the crappy cancer surgery, therapy and drugs. I never have a day without pain, which causes moodiness. Yet another never ending cycle. I can no longer commit to something and
then have to stop or cancel because I wasn't ready or just flat couldn't do it. Either I can't move that day physically, or my emotions are a wreck with anxiety. But the fear of 'wasting' time is also overwhelming. I hate all these drugs stacked up on my kitchen and bedroom window seal.
6. LOVE! And
then there's my marriage.... I have discovered a closeness, trust and
friendship in my husband after 38+ years of marriage. I pray that my children are able to know this type of love with their husbands. And I pray they both realize and know how much they are
loved by this man. He is truly a unique person full of love over flowing for his family. I never could have gone through this crappy cancer journey without him.
One good thing has come from this: my perspective on problems has changed; realizing that
so much in life is truly not worth worrying about or being upset over. Like the grey hairs. It's just a little grey hair, after all. Nothing to get upset about.
