I am NOT a Cryer!

I hate to cry and I seldom do. I've always been tough and able to deal with things in a very stressful world. I've always had a stressful job, worked long hours, volunteered a lot, and I just DO. NOT. CRY.

But now, I find tears running down my cheeks quite often. Commercials, Lifetime movies. . . .  LIFE!
I'm overly emotional about the tiniest things. Mood swings are out of control. I hate it! Suck it up, Buttercup, and get a grip! Cried several times on Christmas day.

I am having some weird side affects too with no explanation. Chills to the point of my teeth rattling with NO fever, then, 30 seconds later dripping in sweat. I cannot sleep. I barely doze on and off and start my days off totally exhausted. My nights are awful with very little sleep. I can only sleep on my side for a short period of time because my sides and underarms still hurt.

I've never been nervous or anxious. Now, I get a little scared just leaving the house. I don't want to become a recluse, but I'm just perfectly content to stay home. It has become a security blanket of sorts. . . . . a way to avoid anything happening outside my immediate world and family. I'm simply not the same person. At all. Stupid crappy cancer. . . . . I blame you for all of this!

Therapy begins: Fight or Flight

Here we go....therapy begins and I'm hesitant. Not scared or nervous, just doubtful. Aremidex is what they are discussing putting me on because I'm post menopausal. The side effects are frightening to read but that's true of any medication. However, my survival rate is a whopping 93.5%! Don't you just love it when they give you statistics? I'm a number now. 

More labs and tests tomorrow to see if I need chemo. Total waste of time because I'm not taking it. (A 2.1% cure rate isn't high enough to my way of thinking.) I've basically been in 'fight or flight' mode since my diagnosis and just when I think I'm pulling myself out of it and coming back to my "new normal" something else is thrown at me. 

These crappy meds cause depression and mood swings. Really? Like I haven't already been there, done that! Sleep deprivation. . . . makes me laugh! I haven't slept well in 2 months! Weight gain is another to look forward to, as though my fibromyalgia meds and hypothyroid haven't already put 30 pounds on me. 

I could go on and on but these are the ones that most women experience on this drug. And I'm supposed to take it for 5 years! WOOHOO! Crappy cancer just won't let me live my life. It's like a little black cloud over my head at all times . . . . Always reminding me. 

I'm still experiencing tenderness in my pits and sides which make it difficult to sleep or do anything physical. My scar is healing beautifully so THERE'S a bright spot in this journey! 

Warning! Warning! Warning! ⚠

PICTURE to follow below. 👇

My tattoo artist has artwork for me to look at and take measurements. I'm excited beyond words to see what he's come up with for me to look and feel feminine again. It's the one thing I have to look forward to! 

And of course I'll post pics of the process! 

I pray daily for all the pink sisters out there going thru this crappy cancer journey. You are not alone. My strength is from my Savior who walks with me and often carries me. My wonderful husband who continues to kiss the scars and tells me I'm beautiful is a constant source of strength and encouragement to me. Don't ever give up, and do what's right for you; for there is no "one size fits all" when it comes to crappy cancer. 

P.S. Dry skin I hate you too! (just another symptom of crappy cancer)

Beware: Grumpy Old Woman

It's NOT because I'm a woman! (That is a disclaimer for all the men reading this) It's because of the cancer, surgery, recovery and treatment. I've been having huge mood swings similar to PMS. (Some might say worse) One minute I'm happy and the next I'm crabby and rude. I'm also having anxiety and that's a new experience!  I couldn't decide if it was because I wasn't getting any sleep, from constant pain, or perhaps a hormonal change from the crappy cancer.

I was afraid I was alienating myself from my loved ones, and hated the way it was making me feel. My precious husband just keeps sticking with me, assuring me of his love no matter what.

After opening up to my support group and doctor, I'm told this is normal. Every single woman I talked to was having the same issue! Great! At least I'm not alone and losing my delightful personality!  :)

It's a journey that's not too pleasant with many different side affects. PTSD is not uncommon among cancer patients. I wouldn't go that far, but I was reassured it would get better. I feel like I need to wear a sign around my neck warning people: "This isn't who I am. It's only temporary. "

One woman told me her son made her a sign to hang on her door: "Beware of Grumpy Old Woman." She took that well!

So if I bite your head off or show annoyance, please bear with me and remember it's the crappy cancer and the treatment that's screwing with my body and mind. I'm trying to be cautiously aware of my snippiness. Crappy cancer, I hate you!

It's Weird

I can't explain it. I can't tell you why. But as I was taking a shower last night, I'm soaping up my chest and it just sorta hits me: Dang! My boobs are gone! Yeah, yeah, I know. . . . .they've been gone now for 8 weeks and this isn't the first time I've showered! There's just moments when it seems surreal, or maybe unreal?

There are times when I stand in front of the mirror and just stare at myself to get used to what I look like. The scar isn't bad at all. It's just a different look without the boobs. It's a different feel too. It feels weird. It looks weird.

I'm still a bit sore and tender. I still hug my heart shaped pillow to my chest at night and can't lay on my side for very long. There seems to be some sore spots where the drains were. It hurts to lift my arms above my head and I feel "tight" as though I'm going to pull something if I stretch out. It's not at all comfortable. It's weird.

Now gals, it really is freeing not to wear a bra; not to pull up those straps constantly slipping off my shoulders. I even experimented the other day by putting on a bra and my "fake boobs" which felt even weirder. I felt conspicuous.  . . . . just not normal and don't know when it will ever feel normal again. It's weird.

I've become somewhat of a recluse, enjoying my time at home wrapping Christmas gifts and spending time with family as I recover. I haven't gone back to church yet; and although I miss my class and Tom's lessons, I'm scared. I almost have a panic attack just thinking about how overwhelming it will be. All the hugs will hurt. "How are you" will be answered with the standard "I'm fine." The men will do their best NOT to look at my flat chest. The women will tell me I look great. (I really don't understand this comment. They just whacked off my boobs. My face, hair, and the rest of me all look the same. Did I not look great before?) I know, it's weird, right?

I'm just weird. I'm having weird thoughts. Weird emotions that are all over the place. Is only been 8 weeks. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I want to feel normal.  . . . . Well, my "new normal" whatever that is. It's weird.