It's Weird

I can't explain it. I can't tell you why. But as I was taking a shower last night, I'm soaping up my chest and it just sorta hits me: Dang! My boobs are gone! Yeah, yeah, I know. . . . .they've been gone now for 8 weeks and this isn't the first time I've showered! There's just moments when it seems surreal, or maybe unreal?

There are times when I stand in front of the mirror and just stare at myself to get used to what I look like. The scar isn't bad at all. It's just a different look without the boobs. It's a different feel too. It feels weird. It looks weird.

I'm still a bit sore and tender. I still hug my heart shaped pillow to my chest at night and can't lay on my side for very long. There seems to be some sore spots where the drains were. It hurts to lift my arms above my head and I feel "tight" as though I'm going to pull something if I stretch out. It's not at all comfortable. It's weird.

Now gals, it really is freeing not to wear a bra; not to pull up those straps constantly slipping off my shoulders. I even experimented the other day by putting on a bra and my "fake boobs" which felt even weirder. I felt conspicuous.  . . . . just not normal and don't know when it will ever feel normal again. It's weird.

I've become somewhat of a recluse, enjoying my time at home wrapping Christmas gifts and spending time with family as I recover. I haven't gone back to church yet; and although I miss my class and Tom's lessons, I'm scared. I almost have a panic attack just thinking about how overwhelming it will be. All the hugs will hurt. "How are you" will be answered with the standard "I'm fine." The men will do their best NOT to look at my flat chest. The women will tell me I look great. (I really don't understand this comment. They just whacked off my boobs. My face, hair, and the rest of me all look the same. Did I not look great before?) I know, it's weird, right?

I'm just weird. I'm having weird thoughts. Weird emotions that are all over the place. Is only been 8 weeks. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I want to feel normal.  . . . . Well, my "new normal" whatever that is. It's weird.