Crappy Fear

Fear isn't just something that we faced head on at the time of my cancer diagnosis. We stoically marched forward as fast as possible to get it OUT! I suppose it's normal to experience fear in the months after surgery and treatment. It can hit you at the most unexpected times and in the most bizarre ways.

Like when standing in line at the grocery store one day, only 5 short months after my cancer fight had begun. I had been feeling good that day, and had finally managed to not allow cancer to take over my every thought, when I heard two people behind me start talking about a friend diagnosed with breast cancer, and how awful that was. My heart sank into my stomach, and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I raced to my car to calm down, gather my crappy fear and wipe my tears.

Or the time I was just scrolling Facebook when a paralyzing wave of fear swept over me that was so intense. I'm reading on Facebook about a woman who had the SAME cancer as me, same size cm, same everything, and it's now spread to her lungs and bones only 6 short months later!  I'm terrified at the prospect of having it come back. It feels like a little black cloud forever over my head reminding me that it lurks there, and could return at any moment.

The doctors say we got it all, (they "practice" medicine after all) and yet I'm on a regimen of meds to keep it from coming back and watched for 5 years, as they prod me with hands, needles, scans and more every 3 months. I didn't so much as bat an eye going into that brutal and highly invasive surgery. I was ready. I was a warrior. They whacked off both my boobs and sent me home in less than 24 hours and I haven't regretted, not one time, choosing to go flat. . . . . . but that hasn't stopped crappy cancer from giving me crappy fear at the most awkward moments; sweeping down upon me without notice. My fears about cancer always manage to find ways to come back and haunt me, and with it, periods of depression that sometimes last for days along with periodic episodes of post traumatic stress that knocks me to the dark side as well.



My friends have told me that they couldn't possibly imagine what I've been through. My husband is the most understanding and supportive of anyone. Nobody berates me or beats me up for being fearful. So, why should I? I've decided to be kind to myself as well and never deny what I feel.  I think I've done that throughout the process, which is why I blog. I'm sure it has been "too much information" at times, but it's therapeutic for me. Crappy cancer is such a lonely and isolating experience.

Cancer stole from me

There's a plethora of dirty little secrets in breast cancer treatment that nobody tells you. My latest complaint. . . . . it switches off a woman's sexual desire. My crappy cancer was estrogen and progesterone positive, both hormones needed in your body for many reasons, but now my old body has neither. No hormones at all. So crappy cancer stole my desire. I've been on these meds for one month and it's either take them or risk the cancer coming back.

The limited research into this "problem" is to get women lubricated enough to tolerate sex, but that certainly doesn't address the vaginal atrophy from lack of hormones! I'm not a candidate for any hormones that will maintain the normality. Crappy cancer meds that I have to take for 5 years turned off the switch. I'm told there's nothing that can be done about that. And honestly, it's like having a sexual lobotomy.

It hurts that my desire for the person I love the most has been turned off by the lack of hormones. My heart is there, but my body rebels. A fundamental part of myself has disappeared! All the research I've read suggests including lubricants, or anti depressants- because of course it's all in my head. I'm urged to embrace my new normal, to find new ways of intimacy. And all I want is a hug, a glass of wine and sleep. Blessed sleep. A body without hormones has ZERO energy. The fatigue is getting worse (another crappy symptom) as are the muscle and body aches. Yesterday, I slept for 14 hours straight! I don't know if I'm willing to live like this for 5 years, so I'm faced with yet another decision about whether to stay on these stupid meds to prevent crappy cancer. 

I'm not the same person, and why would I be? The dry skin, peeling and chipping nails, hair thinning, bone and joint pain, muscle pain, headaches, hot flashes, insomnia, weakness, osteoporosis. . . . . are all just some other fun side affects. So, when you ask me, "What's wrong?" Just assume I'm dealing with one or all of the above. Cancer stole more from me besides my boobs. 

My "New Normal"

 

It dawned on me recently that I'm having to "reinvent" myself. We are all known mostly by what we do. In my lifetime, I've worked many jobs and I've even had a few good careers....mostly as a business owner having owned 4 businesses. My latest profession  came to an abrupt halt when I lost my job after 18 years as a victim of bankruptcy. I owned a management company and the corporation that hired me lost everything, so I was out in the cold, as were my 12 employees.

I look back on that, and as hard as it was, it turned into a blessing. The property has since been sold on the auction block and is deteriorating and failing. I don't miss the long hours, working weekends, and time away from my family! Life takes different turns, twists and bumps in the road. My husband and I adopted internationally, and I was available to go through that process. Crappy Cancer struck my mother right after that, for the second time, and I was available to help her.  Then crappy cancer reared it's ugly head again and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. OK. . . . . another "blip" in this journey on earth!


After my diagnosis of breast cancer and the subsequent bilateral mastectomy, I didn’t think it was such a bold move to make the decision to stay flat with no reconstruction. For me, it was the only move. I am somewhat OCD, so I researched a LOT. I had breast fed my girls; the mammaries had served their purpose. I didn’t want to go through additional and unnecessary surgeries or medical treatments; and I was adamant about not having anything else foreign put back into my chest. My identity was not wrapped up in my breasts. However, I encountered some weird reactions regarding my decision when I shared it with others.

After my operation, people who knew me BC (before cancer) - and also some of those who had just heard about my story - responded in a number of ways that ranged from support, compassion, and astonishment in the positive “you are brave” sense, to sadness, shock or just no reaction at all. It’s an unfortunate reality that every day, women around the world are diagnosed with breast cancer; the stats stand now at 1 out of every 7 women. . . . . which is a huge number of women from all different ages, backgrounds, cultures, and walks of life who are thrust into making life-changing decisions that will affect them emotionally and physically for the rest of their lives. Many of them will face the tough question of whether to have reconstruction after their mastectomy, so it is important for me to make clear that despite my personal choice, I am not against breast reconstruction. Every woman must make the choices that are best for HER.

One of my nurse's told me she had reconstruction because her husband wanted it! Really? Why would he force her into doing a surgery that she didn't want? I'm an admin on one of the social media sites for women who chose to go flat and it breaks my heart when I read about husbands and boyfriends who leave them because they chose no reconstruction. So, he only loved her breasts? I have a hard time understanding this. Please . . . . . I'd like to ask that everyone refrain from placing any unnecessary and unfair pressure on a woman fighting this crappy disease, and instead to recognize her right to decide how her body looks, and to celebrate with all of us our beauty and qualities regardless of our shape.


I want to say to my pink sisters that's it's OK to make whatever decision that you want. It's NOT okay to be put under any kind of external pressure from your spouse, family members, or friends as you are going through the emotional and physical experience of battling this crappy cancer. It is your body, and therefore, your decision to make!  I’ve definitely made the right one for me. It's been 8 months. I've recovered nicely and pretty much back to doing the things I enjoy. I'm not normal of course; it's my NEW normal. I'm OK with that.