I have not become more reasonable, less stubborn, less angry, or more patient.
Stubbornness, anger, and impatience are my biggest personality flaws, and they have just been exacerbated by cancer. Especially impatience. Somewhere deep inside me, I'm scared about the amount of time I have left. I value time. It has become precious. There's not enough. Crappy cancer stole some of it. It continues to steal time as I recover and go through treatment.
I'm different. On the outside and the inside. My figure is distorted. My personality is distorted. It seems I've developed new flaws, and old flaws have reared their ugly heads. What have I become?
I've always been brave, string willed, never shy or afraid of crowds. I've always been a leader. Now, I'm content to stay home. Crowds make me nervous. I'm experiencing anxiety. I'm told cancer patients get PTSD but I feel that's too strong a description and totally unfair to our soldiers. . . . . and yet, I'm not the same. What have I become?
Crappy cancer is forever a black cloud hanging over me. Blood tests every three months, lots of doctor visits, treatments, scans and more for at least the next five years. Will it come back? Probably. Breast cancer usually does. The battle never ends.
How we go into this battle with crappy cancer is as individual as we are. There is no right or wrong, proper or improper way. If you run in with a cape and a sword screaming war cries, and it works for you, it's the right way. If you walk in boldly being led by God and a bible, or a rosary and holy oil in your pocket; if it works for you, it is the right way. If you must be dragged into the fight with knees knocking, tears streaming and heart racing, but it gets you through, it is the right way. The pink cancer warrior suit comes in one size fits all! How we slay crappy cancer doesn't matter, as long as we slay. Right?
I have found that each day can bring about a change in my emotional response. It's a roller coaster. Sometimes all I can do is roll with the emotional tide. Some days I just survive the day. Some days I soar bravely with my cancer, and sometimes I am face down in my tears, but my suit is still as pink as it was the day I put it on and decided to fight.
Ponder with me the many emotional responses through crappy breast cancer:
Denial and Shock - "This can't be true." "How did this happen? "
Anger, Rage - "This isn't fair." "I never took hormones."
Stress and Depression - "I don't have time to deal with this." "I feel so sad." "How bad is it?"
Grief and Fear - "I'm not ready to die." "I'm going to lose part of my body." "What if it's spread?"
Acceptance, Adjustment - "Okay, it's true. I've got breast cancer, but I don't have to like it." "Let's just do this and get these boobs off NOW."
Fight and Hope - "I'm going to be brave and beat this!" "I'm going to research and understand every bit of this crap."
Concern about disfigurement – "After surgery, what will I look like?" "What will happen to my sex life?" "How will my clothes fit?"
Fear of the unknown – "What happens next?" "What treatment will I get?" "How long will it take to recover?"
Worry about side effects – "I don't like what I'm reading and hearing." "How is this going to affect my quality of life?"
Anxiety - "How do I know if the therapy works?" "What if it comes back?"
Family Concerns - "How is this affecting my family?" "Will my daughter's get this too?" "I don't want to scare my grand-kids."
Fear of Recurrence - "Will my cancer return?" "Will it spread?" "Is that pain I'm feeling or just a pulled muscle, or could it be my cancer has returned? Where will it come back at?" "How will I know?"
Feeling Vulnerable - "How do I guard my health and what do I need to change to take better care of myself?" "What if I do something that causes it to come back or spread?"
Fear of Continued Pain - "My chest is sore." "I'm exhausted." "Will I ever feel normal again?"
Fear of Death - "My family needs me. I'm not prepared for this."
Yep. Crappy cancer has taken me through all these emotions several times. I'm tired. So tired. I want off this roller coaster ride, but it just got started. I don't like what I've become. I miss the old me. . . . . The confident gal before crappy cancer changed her.
What have I become? Well, for now, I'm still evolving. It's my 3 month cancer-versary since my boobs were whacked off. So, I'll give myself a break. It's too soon to know what I'll become.
