Big Girl Panties

I'm trying to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. No, really. . . . . . I'm scared. Actually, I'm terrified. I will be completely vulnerable for at least four hours, with a tube down my throat, while they whack off my boobs! Can you get the mental picture here? They are going to mutilate my body in one week and I'm freaking out!

I've been so positive and upbeat until now. People are blowing up my phone and Facebook with encouraging words of love and hope. But I'm not in a place to be with people right now. I'm regrouping, praying, and trying to FIND my big girl panties! You know the "fight or flight" response? I want to RUN away and hide. . . . . . but this stupid dumb cancer will go with me.

I honestly haven't been nervous until now. "Just another speed bump in life" I kept saying. But it has hit me hard smack upside my head. I get a call today to schedule yet another test for genetics. If I have that nasty gene, I'm told I need to remove my ovaries. Ooookaaaay. . . . . . . What, may I ask, will I be then? All my woman parts will be gone. I'll be a "thing" with a vagina. (that may be too much truth ~ sorry) And then I have to worry I've passed this stupid dumb cancer gene to my daughters.

I've been dealing with chronic pain for 3 years from fibromyalgia, and my crap thyroid has totally quit working causing a whole 'nother set of issues I don't even want to talk about right now. I joke that the warranty on my body parts has expired, but DINGDONGDAMMIT! Enough already! 
Meanwhile, this nasty stupid idiotic breast cancer is lurking and growing. 

There WILL be more positive days in my future. I suspect this journey will be somewhat of a roller coaster ride, and I have yet to experience all the emotions that this stupid dumb idiotic cancer is going to throw at me. I know I'll find those Big Girl Panties eventually!