Freaked out Flat

I never wear foobs. (That's fake boobs for you lay people) The purse I carry is a small cross body that holds my lipstick, phone, credit cards and (sometimes) cash. I'm sure it accentuates my flatness.

I don't pay any attention to other people looking at me, and I think for the most part, nobody notices. However, my brother recently pointed out two women that were staring at me with jaws dropped and eyes bugged out!

I had to laugh. It's been two years and my mind isn't constantly thinking about crappy cancer as much as it used to. . . . . . which was most of the time. But as women, they should know why my chest is flat. They should at least have some idea, wouldn't you think? I refuse to wear prosthesis to make others comfortable. My choice. The end.

Tribute to Life

I'm loving my life right now! Being a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant allows me to set my own schedule (no more 60 hour work weeks) and live the life I love! I have such a strong sisterhood in these women who were there for me during my cancer journey.

Recently, we attended Mary Kay Seminar in downtown Dallas, Texas. Our hotel was the Sheraton downtown. This beautiful park was right across from our hotel, and it was so amazing to see this among the tall statuesque buildings, concrete and mass transportation. It was serene and heart warming. Myself and another MK sister spent some time walking through here and discussing our journey through crappy cancer.

 

Myself and my Mary Kay sister, Maryann standing in front of the sign at the park...it was a true Tribute to Life!

 

What is Crappy Cancer?

 

 Knowledge is power. I researched so much when I was diagnosed, I knew the terminology, which went a long ways in helping me with my decision to go flat and forgo reconstruction. It also helped me in this journey to understand what was happening and how to heal my mind, body and spirit.

 

It's a big deal, pickle! You gotta make the commitment to fight crappy cancer no matter the stage or type. It's the first step...then commit to knowledge and education!

 

A positive outlook affects our health, even without crappy cancer in the body! ALWAYS check your mental welfare. Pray. Think positive thoughts!

  This was really cool! It was a visual of cancer in motion. Water constantly flowing and I could change the direction with my hand very easily. What a powerful visual!

 

These pictures do not do this sculpture justice! This was going into the sculpture....

 Coming through the sculpture.....

Coming out of the sculpture....

Sculpture explained. Another visual that was very powerful!

In summary....I hope you get a chance to see this powerful and moving park in downtown Dallas. I loved it. Crappy cancer changed me, but it hasn't defeated me. I live and hopefully inspire.

Friends

I've recently cleaned up my Facebook friends list, and I don't think I'm finished with that. It got me to thinking about friendships. Why am I "friends" with an acquaintance that I barely know? I'm not in some kind of contest to see how many friends I can have on my Facebook page, for crying out loud! Some of these people I can't even remember how I know them!

Crappy cancer makes you re-evaluate everything in your life. It all becomes important! The little things matter much more. How do I spend my time and who do I spend it with? I much prefer my family these days. I've had friends over the years that have come and gone out of my life. Some have been by choice, either mine or theirs, and others by life. My husband and I have moved 8 times in our 40 years of marriage. We have lost friends along the way due to that, and some of those we have kept because we didn't want to lose touch with them, and others we have reconnected with and picked up where we left off.

I've lost friends because I was not comfortable with their ethical choices or the way they lived their lives was too vastly different from mine. We've lost friends because of my husband's line of work. We have gained friends because of my husband's line of work.


Finally, people change. That is certainly the case with me. I have changed significantly over the last four years or so. I lost a great job due to the company going bankrupt. Somehow, even though I am highly experienced and worked in that career for over 17+ years, nobody would hire me. I had one HR rep tell me it was because I would want too much money and they thought I'd come with bad habits. . . . . . where they could hire a "fresh out of college" for little money and train them. I was depressed for a long time after that. Who wants a 60 year old? And now that the crappy cancer has reared it's ugly head, nobody wants a 60 year old sick woman. So, I struggle with my self worth almost daily. I've lost my reason for getting up every day.

My health has been greatly altered and I no longer have the same coping skills I did before. I don't have the patience or the physical ability to do the things I used to do. Nor can I cope with anyone else's emotional issues. I have plenty of my own these days. I suffer from pain every day. I have total fatigue and exhaustion. A myriad of other symptoms that upset me because I don't have the physical and emotional bandwidth I used to.  Every day is a struggle. I have good days and bad days. I am working on dealing with that.

Crappy cancer revealed who my true friends were. There were those that made time for me in their already busy lives to help me through this journey. There were some revealing surprises, let me tell you! But, I've accepted that I wasn't important enough for them and I've moved on.

I can count on one hand the people I know would be there for me if I needed them. As my life has changed my friends have changed. It can be sad but sometimes its necessary to lose friends.

I end this sad friend blog by saying and reaffirming what I have expressed multiple times: My husband has been my rock. I never would have made it through these past few years without his love, support and encouragement. I never knew unconditional love until I married him.

Reconstruction Decisions Are Personal

For many women, after the trauma of being diagnosed with crappy cancer, undergoing treatment and facing the reality of a mastectomy, the thought of even more surgery with so many possible risks is just too much to bear. It certainly was for me. The risk of complication after reconstruction following a double mastectomy can be as high as 40 percent. 39% of women face one or more unplanned operations. I just didn't want to deal with more surgery and recovery! My immediate thought process upon learning I had crappy cancer was "Get it out of my body." and then, "I don't want to put anything else foreign in there." I never even considered reconstruction.

I realize FLAT isn't for everyone. But it's a staggering 45% of women who do choose to forgo reconstruction. As women, I totally get it that we might be self-conscious because we’re missing the part that society says makes us a woman. But I just embraced my new body and continue living my life without the burdensome heavy weights on my chest that tried to kill me! God made them to feed my babies and they have served their purpose!

Some women I have spoken to regarding reconstruction, was encouraged by their husbands to have it done. This always astounds me that a man would weigh in on what a woman should do comfortably with her body. She is not only dealing with crappy cancer, but now she has to deal with a difficult way of satisfying her husband. My wonderful husband was my ROCK. . . . . very supportive and completely understanding that it was MY decision. He never encouraged or discouraged me either way.

The American Cancer Society does say that a cancer re-occurrence would make it more difficult to find with reconstruction. I simply urge everyone to educate themselves on the pros and cons. Ask yourself how strongly do you feel about the way you look in clothing, or without clothing? How strongly do you feel about the risk of complications, more surgery, more recovery and down time from life? Is being aesthetically pleasing important to you? Be sure about what matters to you most across a wide number of areas in your life.

Some women who choose to remain flat, also choose to wear prosthesis. NOT for me. I tried it and they are heavy, uncomfortable, and feel so fake and awkward to me. They shift to the side or drop uneven from the other side. Even the knitted knockers and lighter weight cotton ones feel scratchy and rub my chest wall, which still feels sensitive. Besides, I've gotten used to not wearing a bra and those pesky straps! It feels empowering and FREE to go without!

There’s power in choosing something rather than feeling like you don’t have a choice.

From Surviving to Thriving

Having no hormones wreaks havoc on my body. God designed women as a finely tuned instrument and the hormones that come from several organs in our body are there for specific purposes. Mine, however, are being stopped by the crappy cancer meds. But if I complain about them, then are my feelings not valid? Are they just a result of no hormones? Crappy cancer changed me. In lots of different ways. However, I have learned that living is a luxury and should never ever be taken for granted. I've learned to enjoy the little things in life. Yes, I have my moments, and those moments are so hard.

My experiences and my crappy cancer journey have made me the woman that I am. I am proud of the person I have become. But life as a cancer survivor is a roller coaster.

I thought I'd go back to normal, albeit flat chested, once the crappy cancer was removed. NOT! 
The unfortunate truth is that the side effects are far worse than the surgery. The surgery was a breeze! I have experienced neuropathy in my feet and hands. It is a weird and uncomfortable sensation. I have trouble holding things or opening a simple jar of pickles.

Then, of course, there are the joint pains. Some days are worse than others and it's primarily focused on my hips and lower back. But every. single. joint. HURTS. Lack of sleep is so normal....waking up several times a night, tossing and turning. I can't control my body temperature so I go from cold to HOT in a matter of seconds. 

And the fatigue. Oh em GEE! Some days it takes all my energy to put one foot in front of the other.
The fatigue just drains me and I have absolutely no energy for anything. I honestly think fatigue has been my biggest battle. And of course it is made worse by inadequate sleep. 

Brain fog is easily blamed on the crappy cancer meds and lack of hormones but I've learned to make notes and put reminders in my phone. And yet there are those embarrassing times when talking that I can't find a simple word!

Anxiety is something I've never experienced before, so it was foreign to me. The anxiety I’ve been feeling after crappy cancer is a feeling I’m not quite sure I know how to explain. I went from a strong, confident woman to someone who has simply lost her mojo. I began having panic attacks and crowds make me nervous, so I've skipped a lot of church.  Most of the time, I don’t even know why I am anxious except that I feel so sick to my stomach and panicky. It would hit me out of the blue for no apparent reason. I can be having a great time and all of a sudden my mood will change. HUGE mood swings! I would start feeling so depressed and sad, with knots in my stomach, and the need to hide. Other times, I know why I’m anxious. . . .  it is fear of the crappy cancer returning! I’m scared what tomorrow might bring. I’m scared of when it will come back and where. How much longer do I have to finish that bucket list?

The side affects are many and I could go on and on, but I'm alive. And I'm grateful. I'm rediscovering myself and rebuilding a relationship with my Lord and Savior. Most people think that I'm done and all is well. Little do they know. I'm never going to be "done". I'm taking the crappy cancer meds and living with the fear of re-occurrence daily. It's hard not to think about it with all the side effects I experience. But I think I'm getting to a place where I'm thriving. At least it's my goal and I'm trying to do more than just survive. 

I recognize that my battle with crappy cancer doesn’t end. It is a lifelong battle. Either I am dealing with side effects, emotional breakdowns, or fear. The fight never ends. Nevertheless, I will continue to thrive each and every day, good or bad days. Crappy cancer has taught me so much about myself and life. It's shown me who I can count on in the tough times. My perception has changed about how I approach life, and even though I struggle daily, I wouldn’t change a thing.

It Ain't Over

Life after crappy breast cancer means returning to some familiar things and also making some new choices. The song says "It ain't over 'til it's over," but when you've had crappy breast cancer, you discover that it's not even over when it's over!

After a marathon of the crappy cancer diagnosis and treatment that seem to go on forever, one can hardly wait to get back to a normal life again. There is no normal! I'm trying to find my new normal. My body has been through an enormous assault. I'm still recovering. I can feel my nerves actually regenerating. . . . . a not too pleasant feeling. And other places that will forever remain numb. 

I have embarked on another leg of the trip. This one is all about adjusting to life as a breast cancer survivor. In many ways, it's a lot like the life I had before, but in other ways, it's very different.
My relationships with my family, spouse and friends. . . . . to my eating habits and (EEK) exercise have changed my life in ways that I hope and pray will last well after treatment ends. Treatment has been tough. I hate the side affects of these crappy cancer meds. How do I fight this lingering fatigue? What should I eat or NOT eat to help prevent a crappy cancer recurrence? 

The emotional ups and downs are frustrating; with most of it due to the crappy cancer therapy. There are just so many things going on that it's hard to pin down what I hate the worst. Fatigue has got to be up there at the top though. Bone weary fatigue is no joke! NO ENERGY at all is making me feel much older than I am. 

My sight has been affected. My memory and cognition have suffered. I don't sleep well. I hurt all the time. It's not just soreness; it's a deep down, my bones feel bruised, hurting. Just another not so pleasant side affect. And the hot flashes!!!! Oh Em GEE!!! These are so INTENSE!! Much more so than when I went through menopause! 

I want my life back. I want my body, mind and energy back. Am I gambling with my life if I quit therapy? Studies suggest that I am. I'm on my second one and it's about as bad as the first one. I'm supposed to take this crappy cancer therapy for 8 years. EIGHT YEARS!!!!  It feels like an endless process. However, studies show a great link between estrogen positive cancers coming back, sometimes decades later.  Breast cancer is a smoldering, sneaky, insidious disease that is never truly over. So yes, I will most likely continue the treatment for the recommended time and suffer through it.


Everybody thinks I'm through. Done. What's the Big Deal anyway? They just don't get it. It Ain't Over! I'm still dealing with recovery. I'm still dealing with the therapy to prevent a recurrence. I'm not springing back to my old self. She's gone. She basically died the day I got the crappy cancer diagnosis. I'm having to reinvent myself. I'm having to rest more often. I have to make notes so I don't forget things. I'm having to carry around a fan and even go outside in 30 degree weather just so i can BREATHE! (you just have no idea how intense these dang hot flashes are!) 

It Just Ain't Over. 

SAD

I began blogging almost immediately after my diagnosis. My posts have been real, raw and honest. It's my therapy. So today, I'm being honest yet again, just when everyone thinks I should be happy and blessed that I'm alive, I'm actually sad. 

I survived crappy cancer. I'M A SURVIVOR! And yet the lingering affects has me depressed much of the time. I find that I'm sad, tired and just want to be in bed, with a good book perhaps, and ignore the rest of the world. Tears seem to swim in my eyes unbidden, with a lump in my throat that I have to fight down to swallow. DO NOT CRY! I hate to cry. 

I'm supposed to be happy and grateful, to embrace my second chance at life. Many survivors can point to the positive changes in their lives, with a markedly different outlook since starting down that scary black hole called crappy cancer.

There are many challenges that cancer survivors face, including risk of recurrence, increased risk of second primary cancer, reduced quality of life, economic burden and treatment side effects. But also on the list include emotional distress, depression, anxiety, uncertainty, altered body image, and survivor’s guilt.
 
I've had depressive tendencies my whole life — being on antidepressants since in my 30's. Winters and short days always affect me. (SAD) I try to get outside as much as possible, because Texas doesn't usually have harsh winters where I live, but it's the lack of sunlight and daytime hours that affect me. I joke that I'm like a chicken, up when the sun comes up, but when it goes down, I'm ready to roost. . . . . even if it's only 6:00!

When a bankruptcy forced me out of an almost 18 year job that I loved, it threw me into depression for months. The loss of income and financial strain has been extremely stressful on me. Then, my fibromyalgia flared up with the stress and hasn't seemed to subside, so I'm ALWAYS in pain. I just hide it well. Then, my mother was faced with her second bout of crappy cancer and life happened to me with crappy breast cancer. The past three years have been HARD! 


But those bouts did not compare with the dark curtain that fell over my soul and changed my personality within this past year. I'm no longer confident in my self and hate to be around a lot of people. I miss church, but I fight a panic attack the whole time I'm there! So I study the Bible a lot at home. 

Fatigue is my major complaint. It drowns out any desire to move out of my recliner. All my energy has completely vanished. Brain Fog comes with fibromyalgia, but now it's compounded with my inability to concentrate. I can't find my words. Tired, brain-addled, sad, I feel worthless and guilty most of the time. I have no right to feel like this. . . . . I have a good life, wonderful marriage to a great guy. . . . . . But there are women dying of this crappy cancer and I have survived. How do I pull back this dark curtain of despair and get to a happy place? How can I make this little black cloud over my heard go away?

I pray about it a lot. I do my best to find joy in the tiny things in my day. I enjoy my grand kids more than anything and they make me forget about the black cloud and bring me joy. And yes, I 'm on meds to help me fight this feeling. I'm trying, I really am.

Pinktober

It's October. Everything turns pink with a little pink ribbon on the package. . . . . clothes, socks, toilet paper and even soup cans! Consumers are led to believe that by buying these products they are doing something good for breast cancer research.  Not so. Much of the time the ribbon is there just to raise awareness of breast cancer, as if you did not already know that it exists.  Companies use our crappy cancer as a way to make money. Most cancer patients are offended by it.

Some cancer patients wear the pink ribbon proudly, giving thanks for both the symbol and its attendant charity-dollars to fund a cure. Others hate it with a passion. Not all the hype and commercialism is bad. Between 1991 and 1996, federal funding for breast cancer research increased nearly fourfold to over $550 million. And according to the American Cancer Society, the percentage of women getting annual mammograms and clinical breast exams has more than doubled over the last decade. That's a good thing!

44,000 women a year die from breast cancer.  A woman could develop a very early stage cancer, have it treated, and months later be diagnosed with stage four.  There's a woman in one of my support groups who had stage zero cancer, meaning it barely registered on the ole cancer-meter, but it came back months later as stage 4.  My cancer was caught early as stage 1 and didn't require Chemo or radiation. I'm blessed enough to just be given pills (with their own set of side affects) that is supposed to help prevent a recurrence.  BUT crappy cancer cells are devilish little things, you know. I never get cocky enough to think I'm never going to get it again. Breast cancer has a history of coming back in the lungs, bones, colon or brain with the intent to kill.

So, (I may have expressed this before) it's hard not to think about it every day. There seems to be a little black cloud hanging over me to remind me that I had it, along with the side affects and taking the stupid pills every day, that it's almost impossible not to think about it coming back at some point. The risk of recurrence for women with hormone positive breast cancer (the most common subtype representing around two-thirds of all breast cancer diagnoses- and mine was hormone+) persists after the five-year mark up to 25 years. I'll take the meds for 8 years according to my team of doctors, but there's still that 25 year mark of a black cloud over my head.

Pinktober doesn't make me nauseous or angry like it does most cancer patients. I encourage everyone to use this as a time to schedule their mammogram and I don't get upset when someone buys me a pink ribbon gift. I like them and I like pink. It's a month long parade of pink. . . . .  and just know that your purchase most likely doesn't fund a cure. But please consider giving directly to a breast cancer organization whose work you believe is most essential to addressing the breast cancer epidemic.