SAD

I began blogging almost immediately after my diagnosis. My posts have been real, raw and honest. It's my therapy. So today, I'm being honest yet again, just when everyone thinks I should be happy and blessed that I'm alive, I'm actually sad. 

I survived crappy cancer. I'M A SURVIVOR! And yet the lingering affects has me depressed much of the time. I find that I'm sad, tired and just want to be in bed, with a good book perhaps, and ignore the rest of the world. Tears seem to swim in my eyes unbidden, with a lump in my throat that I have to fight down to swallow. DO NOT CRY! I hate to cry. 

I'm supposed to be happy and grateful, to embrace my second chance at life. Many survivors can point to the positive changes in their lives, with a markedly different outlook since starting down that scary black hole called crappy cancer.

There are many challenges that cancer survivors face, including risk of recurrence, increased risk of second primary cancer, reduced quality of life, economic burden and treatment side effects. But also on the list include emotional distress, depression, anxiety, uncertainty, altered body image, and survivor’s guilt.
 
I've had depressive tendencies my whole life — being on antidepressants since in my 30's. Winters and short days always affect me. (SAD) I try to get outside as much as possible, because Texas doesn't usually have harsh winters where I live, but it's the lack of sunlight and daytime hours that affect me. I joke that I'm like a chicken, up when the sun comes up, but when it goes down, I'm ready to roost. . . . . even if it's only 6:00!

When a bankruptcy forced me out of an almost 18 year job that I loved, it threw me into depression for months. The loss of income and financial strain has been extremely stressful on me. Then, my fibromyalgia flared up with the stress and hasn't seemed to subside, so I'm ALWAYS in pain. I just hide it well. Then, my mother was faced with her second bout of crappy cancer and life happened to me with crappy breast cancer. The past three years have been HARD! 


But those bouts did not compare with the dark curtain that fell over my soul and changed my personality within this past year. I'm no longer confident in my self and hate to be around a lot of people. I miss church, but I fight a panic attack the whole time I'm there! So I study the Bible a lot at home. 

Fatigue is my major complaint. It drowns out any desire to move out of my recliner. All my energy has completely vanished. Brain Fog comes with fibromyalgia, but now it's compounded with my inability to concentrate. I can't find my words. Tired, brain-addled, sad, I feel worthless and guilty most of the time. I have no right to feel like this. . . . . I have a good life, wonderful marriage to a great guy. . . . . . But there are women dying of this crappy cancer and I have survived. How do I pull back this dark curtain of despair and get to a happy place? How can I make this little black cloud over my heard go away?

I pray about it a lot. I do my best to find joy in the tiny things in my day. I enjoy my grand kids more than anything and they make me forget about the black cloud and bring me joy. And yes, I 'm on meds to help me fight this feeling. I'm trying, I really am.