Friends

I've recently cleaned up my Facebook friends list, and I don't think I'm finished with that. It got me to thinking about friendships. Why am I "friends" with an acquaintance that I barely know? I'm not in some kind of contest to see how many friends I can have on my Facebook page, for crying out loud! Some of these people I can't even remember how I know them!

Crappy cancer makes you re-evaluate everything in your life. It all becomes important! The little things matter much more. How do I spend my time and who do I spend it with? I much prefer my family these days. I've had friends over the years that have come and gone out of my life. Some have been by choice, either mine or theirs, and others by life. My husband and I have moved 8 times in our 40 years of marriage. We have lost friends along the way due to that, and some of those we have kept because we didn't want to lose touch with them, and others we have reconnected with and picked up where we left off.

I've lost friends because I was not comfortable with their ethical choices or the way they lived their lives was too vastly different from mine. We've lost friends because of my husband's line of work. We have gained friends because of my husband's line of work.


Finally, people change. That is certainly the case with me. I have changed significantly over the last four years or so. I lost a great job due to the company going bankrupt. Somehow, even though I am highly experienced and worked in that career for over 17+ years, nobody would hire me. I had one HR rep tell me it was because I would want too much money and they thought I'd come with bad habits. . . . . . where they could hire a "fresh out of college" for little money and train them. I was depressed for a long time after that. Who wants a 60 year old? And now that the crappy cancer has reared it's ugly head, nobody wants a 60 year old sick woman. So, I struggle with my self worth almost daily. I've lost my reason for getting up every day.

My health has been greatly altered and I no longer have the same coping skills I did before. I don't have the patience or the physical ability to do the things I used to do. Nor can I cope with anyone else's emotional issues. I have plenty of my own these days. I suffer from pain every day. I have total fatigue and exhaustion. A myriad of other symptoms that upset me because I don't have the physical and emotional bandwidth I used to.  Every day is a struggle. I have good days and bad days. I am working on dealing with that.

Crappy cancer revealed who my true friends were. There were those that made time for me in their already busy lives to help me through this journey. There were some revealing surprises, let me tell you! But, I've accepted that I wasn't important enough for them and I've moved on.

I can count on one hand the people I know would be there for me if I needed them. As my life has changed my friends have changed. It can be sad but sometimes its necessary to lose friends.

I end this sad friend blog by saying and reaffirming what I have expressed multiple times: My husband has been my rock. I never would have made it through these past few years without his love, support and encouragement. I never knew unconditional love until I married him.