In the AFTER

There are so many things that your cancer team doesn't tell you. Not before, because their attitude is to just blindly trust them (and if you know me, I have to be in control so I studied and knew ALL the details before) but especially in the AFTER. Crappy cancer changes you, as you might expect, but once I recovered from whacking off my boobs (once referred to as an amputation) there's still some crappy things to deal with. There's physical and emotional demands that we are left to handle on our own.

There are bigger things that sometimes never fall into place, like talking to people who haven't had cancer about what it's like, (because they don't get it) and discussing facing the possibility of death, which not even your family members want to talk about. People just carry on as if I didn't have cancer and all is right in the world. This was a hurt that continues to this day because friends were lost.

I had to find my new normal, not really knowing how to do that. The one thing I do know is that I now have a sense of precious urgency, a feeling that life is fleeting and should be treasured and enjoyed, yet a strong and burning feeling that I need to explore it more. There are things I've dreamed of doing that feels more crucial than ever before. It feels like time is flying by and I have a limited amount left to enjoy and do the things I want to do, and that scares me.

Life is not the same because I realize how fragile it is. There's the fear of crappy cancer coming back which continually haunts me. I don't think about it as much as I used to in the beginning of the AFTER but it does sneak up on me sometimes. Especially when the internal itching that can't be scratched, or the stinging sensation of bee stings from the nerves trying to regenerate themselves. More especially when I'm waiting for the blood tests to come back every 6 months. I do a fairly good job of not allowing it to rule my life as I acknowledge it and choose to love the tiny moments that matter in my life now.

My life will forever be defined in terms of before crappy cancer and AFTER crappy cancer.

My Choice

I'm still having to defend my choice to go flat.

I've included an interesting article here about how a woman reclaimed her body. I hope you will read it and understand that there are many different ways that women choose to handle this crappy cancer diagnosis. https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/11/02/663162657/she-chose-to-go-flat-and-wants-other-breast-cancer-survivors-to-know-they-can-to

For me, it was the freedom from another surgery; the freedom of not having to ever wear a bra again. It was getting rid of the fear of putting foreign objects into my body after removing crappy cancer. Oh sure, I could have chose to use my own stomach fat (of which I have plenty), but I didn't even like that idea of a very painful procedure, doubled over for 2-3 weeks, long recovery period. . . . . and for what? To make others more comfortable looking at me? It just wasn't something I ever even considered.

All the doctors kept telling me I could change my mind. I'm 61 sister!!! I don't need boobs anymore.  Deal with it. My choice.

By writing this blog, I've always purged my thoughts. Some have been eloquent, and others have been downright embarrassing. But, it's how I've healed. It's how I've dealt with crappy cancer. It's been therapeutic to me. My hope and prayer is that any other woman dealing with this crappy disease will find encouragement and inspiration to make an informed choice that's best for her and not let anybody talk her into something more or different. It's your body, sister! Do what makes YOU feel good about it, even if it means going flat.

Cancer Cure Breakthrough?

It’s estimated that nearly 40% of us will be diagnosed with crappy cancer in our lifetimes and, until very recently, we’ve had three basic options for dealing with that news. We’ve had surgery for at least 3,000 years. We added radiation therapy in 1896. Then in 1946, chemical warfare research led to the use of a mustard gas derivative (yes, you read that right) to poison the person, err . . . . .I mean the cancer cells, with chemotherapy. More recently, we also started poisoning crappy cancer through drugs that attempt to starve tumors of nutrients or blood supply.

Those traditional “cut, burn and poison” techniques are effective in less than half of cases. It’s a laudable medical accomplishment that also leaves behind the other half of cancer patients. According to the World Health Organizations international agency for research on cancer, that translates to 9,055,027 deaths worldwide in 2018 alone!!!

Recently, the Nobel Prize was awarded for two breakthrough scientific discoveries heralded as having “revolutionized cancer treatment”, and “fundamentally changed the way we view how cancer can be managed”. One of them went to a charismatic, harmonica-playing Texan named Jim Allison for his breakthrough advances in cancer immunotherapy. His discovery had resulted in transformative outcomes for cancer patients and a radical new direction for cancer research.

Crappy cancer is a HUGE money maker for the health care industry. How is it possible that cures have been discovered for polio, and many other diseases, but not cancer? One reason, I'm told, is because it's not just ONE disease. There are many different types of cancers. I had crappy breast cancer, but there's not just one breast cancer....there are many. I won't go into them all here, because if you are anything like me, you don't care unless you get it. THEN, and only then, will you educate yourself on the types, classes, stages, etc.

I pray that there is a cure in my lifetime, but my hope is in heaven and crappy cancer was not successful in killing me, so I'm blessed.  I remain hopefully skeptical in a cancer cure breakthrough.