Having no hormones wreaks havoc on my body. God designed women as a finely tuned instrument and the hormones that come from several organs in our body are there for specific purposes. Mine, however, are being stopped by the crappy cancer meds. But if I complain about them, then are my feelings not valid? Are they just a result of no hormones? Crappy cancer changed me. In lots of different ways. However, I have learned that living is a luxury and should never ever be taken
for granted. I've learned to enjoy the little things in life. Yes, I have my moments, and those moments are so hard.
My experiences and
my crappy cancer journey have made me the woman that I am. I am proud of the
person I have become. But life as a cancer survivor is a roller coaster.
I thought I'd go back to normal, albeit flat chested, once the crappy cancer was removed. NOT!
The unfortunate truth is that the side effects are far worse than the surgery. The surgery was a breeze! I have experienced
neuropathy in my feet and hands. It is a weird and uncomfortable sensation.
I have trouble holding things or opening a simple jar of pickles.
Then, of course, there are the joint pains. Some days are worse than others and it's primarily focused on my hips and lower back. But every. single. joint. HURTS. Lack of sleep is so normal....waking up several times a night, tossing and turning. I can't control my body temperature so I go from cold to HOT in a matter of seconds.
And the fatigue. Oh em GEE! Some days it takes all my energy to put one foot in front of the other.
The fatigue just drains me and I have absolutely no energy for anything. I honestly think fatigue has been my biggest battle. And of course it is made worse by inadequate sleep.
Brain fog is easily blamed on the crappy cancer meds and lack of hormones but I've learned to make notes and put reminders in my phone. And yet there are those embarrassing times when talking that I can't find a simple word!
Anxiety is something I've never experienced before, so it was foreign to me. The anxiety I’ve been feeling after crappy cancer is a
feeling I’m not quite sure I know how to explain. I went from a strong, confident woman to someone who has simply lost her mojo. I began having panic attacks and crowds make me nervous, so I've skipped a lot of church. Most of the time, I
don’t even know why I am anxious except that I feel so sick to my
stomach and panicky. It would hit me out of the blue for no apparent reason. I can be having a
great time and all of a sudden my mood will change. HUGE mood swings! I would start
feeling so depressed and sad, with knots in my stomach, and the need to hide. Other times, I know why I’m anxious. . . . it is fear of
the crappy cancer returning! I’m scared what tomorrow might bring. I’m scared of when it will come back and where. How much longer do I have to finish that bucket list?
The side affects are many and I could go on and on, but I'm alive. And I'm grateful. I'm rediscovering myself and rebuilding a relationship with my Lord and Savior. Most people think that I'm done and all is well. Little do they know. I'm never going to be "done". I'm taking the crappy cancer meds and living with the fear of re-occurrence daily. It's hard not to think about it with all the side effects I experience. But I think I'm getting to a place where I'm thriving. At least it's my goal and I'm trying to do more than just survive.
I recognize that my battle with crappy cancer doesn’t end. It is a lifelong battle. Either I am
dealing with side effects, emotional breakdowns, or fear. The fight never ends. Nevertheless, I
will continue to thrive each and every day, good or bad days. Crappy cancer has taught me so much about myself and life. It's shown me who I can count on in the tough times. My perception has
changed about how I approach life, and even though I struggle daily, I wouldn’t change a thing.
