In the AFTER

There are so many things that your cancer team doesn't tell you. Not before, because their attitude is to just blindly trust them (and if you know me, I have to be in control so I studied and knew ALL the details before) but especially in the AFTER. Crappy cancer changes you, as you might expect, but once I recovered from whacking off my boobs (once referred to as an amputation) there's still some crappy things to deal with. There's physical and emotional demands that we are left to handle on our own.

There are bigger things that sometimes never fall into place, like talking to people who haven't had cancer about what it's like, (because they don't get it) and discussing facing the possibility of death, which not even your family members want to talk about. People just carry on as if I didn't have cancer and all is right in the world. This was a hurt that continues to this day because friends were lost.

I had to find my new normal, not really knowing how to do that. The one thing I do know is that I now have a sense of precious urgency, a feeling that life is fleeting and should be treasured and enjoyed, yet a strong and burning feeling that I need to explore it more. There are things I've dreamed of doing that feels more crucial than ever before. It feels like time is flying by and I have a limited amount left to enjoy and do the things I want to do, and that scares me.

Life is not the same because I realize how fragile it is. There's the fear of crappy cancer coming back which continually haunts me. I don't think about it as much as I used to in the beginning of the AFTER but it does sneak up on me sometimes. Especially when the internal itching that can't be scratched, or the stinging sensation of bee stings from the nerves trying to regenerate themselves. More especially when I'm waiting for the blood tests to come back every 6 months. I do a fairly good job of not allowing it to rule my life as I acknowledge it and choose to love the tiny moments that matter in my life now.

My life will forever be defined in terms of before crappy cancer and AFTER crappy cancer.